So much time, so little to say.

It’s been a while since I posted. I’m sure you were relieved to not have been able to read my thoughts.

First week of school ended and I must admit it was rather rough for many reasons. 1.) JEMS hasn’t contacted me and I have a feeling they might cancel this trip afterall. The excitement was for nothing… but I learned to always look to God and what He is doing in my life rather than what He is doing for my “ministries”/”callings”. 2.) My teacher told me I probably can’t finish the film. What a downer! And I have been debating on how my film should look like. 3.) Going home reopened some wounds and it took a week of hanging out with CalArtians to seal them scars again. When will God just remove this band-aid and create in my a complete new skin?! 

Anyway, I am grateful for the wonderful people at CalArts. I wonder how each one of these friendships will unfold. :) 

Dear Jesus,

I know this film is Yours. You inspired it, so You will finish it! May You always remind me to put you first and that I will not lean on my own strength to make my artwork. Art is Your gift to me, so continue to speak to me in my quiet times. Show me your ways and guide me in your paths (Psalms 25:4)

Turn Your Lights Down Low is a good song. ”I wanna give you some good good lovin’” 

Many people asked me recently about my thoughts on JEMS and Japanese culture. Most of the time, I hear missionaries having great expectations to be used by God during the trip. However, something inside me makes me unable to say that easily. Of course I wish to be used by the Lord but I believe He will use the preparation of the trip and the trip itself to show His greatness to me even more so than Him using me. I am excited about missions because I know God will allow me to see new things, to use people to open up my perspective and perhaps give me a clearer direction on art. Japan, God and art all at the same time. 

On this note, I just want to keep thanking the Lord. What a merciful God. He fulfills my dreams and make them greater than what I originally dreamt of. Seek first His Kingdom. Matthew 6:21

Another week passed by so fast… I thought winter break just started!? I must say it’s been a growing break for me. I am thankful for everything that happened. Currently back at home and am once again seeing the beautiful things and wonderful people that surround this small town. Saw some people on Wednesday and it made me pretty depressed. I know I needed to hear this one person out and continue to pray for him. Other people, I don’t think I have the heart to deal with their problems. This break has been purposeful. Not to mention that I also got much work done on my part. Not up to my agenda, but it’s getting there… slowly. 

I do miss school though. I chatted with Taylor today and am reminded of the great life awaiting us at CalArts. Also hit up a few high school friends and am happy that I am becoming a person who takes initiative. :) 

I always want to grow wiser. 

Midnight on New Years Day, Derrick took my brother and me to the Berkeley pier to watch the fireworks. It was wonderful, a beautiful way to end the year. Moonlight and San Francisco buildings reflected on the waters. Walked on the wooden bridge in the middle of the deep waters. His Lordship had a black family party. Saxophone playing inside was lovely. I was again in an unfamiliar environment and felt as if the whole world stopped. It did not exist no more. It was just me with myself. 

Right before 12, a crazy cop came by and began clearing everyone out. “Park is closed, please leave immediately,” he repeated for 3281909863 times through loudspeaker. People started clearing up, which I thought was stupid. I guess the cop was too annoying. 

All three of us got out of the car. Derrick mimicked the police officer in a funny way, “hey! he said the park’s closed guys!” I on the other hand shouted, “why don’t you come out of your and celebrate with us!?” Then he drove up to us and said if we don’t leave we was gon’ get cited. We had no choice. He smelled like weed. and I always shout what I feel. 

We went to the side and was still able to see the firework in the size of my thumbnail on top of the San Francisco buildings. 

Today I lead singspiration with Derrick and my brother, “This Little Light of Mine,” and “Give Me a Clean Heart.” Then I did my solo, “With All My Heart.” People said I did well. It was heartfelt. Nice way to start the year: going to church and singing on stage! 

Andrew, Irene, Derrick, my brother and I went to 99 Ranch area to eat lunch. The adults at BCCC were very gracious to us. I will miss them. They always seemed like angels sent from God to me. Kinda make me realize I need not to worry about a thing as a young girl. If they are joyful as adults, that means I can be too and life will not be so hard that it’d take my joy away. 

I am pretty glad this year is over. It was a year of real challenge and it is ending unpleasantly also. Too bad! I guess it’s meant to be that way and this is how I am going to remember 2011. Hopefully the count down will make me happier. lol! Crying is the way to end the year I cried the most. Fucking had nightmares again. *sigh* I wonder if i’m just fooling myself with all these encouragements. That somehow we are all more than life. But only people who are small will make me feel small, I’ll just think of it that way.

Maybe the way crap happened during the last day of New Year’s Eve is a reminder that life needs to be better than this. My true weakness as a young girl. As 2011 ends, I want to say goodbye to my broken heart. I want to say goodbye to some of my attitude and be wiser. I no longer want to carry this huge scar with me. So many things I want but I pray for God to be on my side. No matter what happened today, please Lord give me the faith: that 2012 will be different through walking with Jesus Christ. Everything’s better when you walk with the spirit. seriously. 

Dear Jesus,

2011 was a battle for me, but I believe 2012 will be a year of change. It’s not about me. It’s about You. May I gain wisdom in my actions, in the way I deal with my past. I know I have to face it but make my heart pure. Help me rejoice in your truth always. Give me Your perspective. Help me be humbled. 

Sorry for all the crazy rambling. 

Amen!!

My trip up north is about to wrap up and so is 2011. I wonder how he is going to spend the new years eve?? sigh* no time for sour thoughts. I enjoyed being in Berkeley and doing the sketches. After all the stressing out I feel like I did not get as much done as I had planned. Oh well, we always gotta give ourselves more time than expected right? Let’s see, I want to finish the kitchen painting (it will seriously take a long time) and I need to take a couple snap shots of the houses I liked and work on layouts back home. Where did ten days go? I remember always doing art, thinking and now time is all gone. Maybe it’s better to relax a little bit and not beat myself up all the time. On Sunday I am doing a solo for BCCC. Oh well… I hope the song’s words will really stick in my heart. 

I have been thinking, I want to change my attitude. My dislike towards the neighborhood I grew up in. I need to embrace it. It’s part of me. I must not diss my old self now that a new self formed. I need to love my past, love myself then I will know that I can’t fail in the future when my current relationships fall apart. I must not forget what i got. The streets I hung out on. The ghetto schools. It was hot! A change occurred in me I guess. Probably because I listened to Lauryn Hill too much but I must say she is a true inspirational artist, unafraid to stand up for God. and super insightful on life. Anyway, I just looked at some old pictures and it did not bring me as much pain as before. It’s a good sign! :) Then a voice inside me told me that nothing in the past was not as bad as i remembered. Memories is defined by who we are now. It’s all about facing the past, forgiving, and most of all love. Love is so important…